


Aftermath

by phanomenal (orphan_account)



Category: Phan, Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: 2012 Phan, Angst, Anxiety, Existential Crisis, Fluff, M/M, anyway its REALLY FLUFFY at the end i hate myself, did that make sense, hence the angst, mentions the video, tw, ugly fluff that feels weird if u touch it and ur hands are rly dry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-31
Updated: 2016-01-31
Packaged: 2018-05-17 08:52:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 916
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5862577
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/phanomenal
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>2012 was a bad time.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Aftermath

I couldn't breathe and I couldn't speak.

Well, I could but it was coming out weird because I was having sixteen different thoughts trying to grab my attention and I didn't know which to say first. Phil was repeatedly asking me what was wrong and grabbing my hands away from my temples and into his, still cold from the December air outside.

I was just crying and sobbing loudly, my head felt like it was going to split into two. Phil had just come home when I started to scream because it felt like all of the world was on top of me and at the same time, I could feel the sadness and immense nothing inside of me wanting to move outward.

He had stepped out for the day to go shopping for Christmas and I hadn't wanted to go. I hadn't wanted to go anywhere lately, really. Not with him. After that fucking video got unprivated, I couldn't look at him. I knew it wasn't his fault but it was easy to blame him and direct my embarrassment and frustration at someone.

I hadn't wanted to be embarrassed, I loved Phil. I would've loved, more than anything, for the world to know that. But his parents weren't exactly completely open-minded people. Things were more complicated than the fans seemed to try and make them into. The embarrassment was just from the fact that now everyone knew the things that I deliberately kept from them. And now I had lied to all of them and allowed my hostility to come forward.

I was frustrated because it was partly my fault. Me and my damned nostalgia. I hadn't wanted him to delete it after I watched it and even saved it a year later because it was a milestone and nostalgia thing. And then the glitch happened and I knew if Phil had deleted it, like he suggested, when he was paranoid about people hacking into his accounts, none of this would have happened and I wouldn't be avoiding touching him on camera, or at all really.

Anyway, why did I care? The Universe doesn't give a shit if I'm in love with a man with homophobic parents. The world wouldn't stop turning if we were to break up or die or anything. Originally I had been crying because I felt horrible for making Phil feel so shit lately; He didn't deserve it, he did everything in his power to control the situation. But I started thinking about how it doesn't REALLY matter any way and I don't matter and everything just became very heavy.

When Phil walked in, he heard one of my screams and dropped his bags at the front door. He ran up and into my bedroom and saw me wrapped in my duvet, holding my head for fear that it would fall apart.

After a few minutes of him generally panicking and asking what he could do, he said, "Danny, you need to calm down. Tell me what's wrong. Is everything okay with your mum? Your dad?"

I replied with something along the lines of being in pain, I guess because Phil was now asking what was hurting. He reached for his phone and said something about calling an ambulance.

"Don't. I'm fine," I managed to work out.

"Stay here. I'll be right back."

I heard him in the kitchen and he came back into the dimly lit room a minute later.

"Drink some water."

I shook my head. I had stopped screaming but it made the internal emptiness worse.

"I didn't ask, Dan. Drink some, you need to." He handed me the cup and I sipped from the edge. He always fills his cups so close to the top, I told him to be careful with that, it makes spills happen more often. I handed it back to him and he silently waited for me to say something.

The crying had stopped for a minute but started again when I realized how unconditionally nice Phil was to me, and how badly I wanted the Cosmos to care about him.

"Dan, why are you upset?" Silence. "What happened?" Silence. "I can't help if you don't tell me what's wrong."

"Nothing matters, we might not even be real, why do we care, why do we try Phil? Why am I so awful to you, you deserve better, you deserve everything, I'm so sorry," I rushed out and continued sobbing into my hands.

He grabbed my hands again, like earlier and peppered kisses on them and up to my wrists, pulling me into an embrace that was tight and protective.

"I know every thing is shitty right now but I love you. I care about you," he pulled away from the hug and pressed his lips onto mine. His lips were warm and tasted like Phil. He felt like Phil. He felt familiar. We kissed for a minute and he separated to say, "This is real, Dan. What we've found and felt and keep feeling is real. Believe in it."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize anymore," he shook his head. "We can get past this."

"If I could become the Universe, I would still care about you. I would give you everything."

"I would always just ask for you," Phil pressed our lips together for the second time that night. We fell asleep kissing and saying I love you and in the morning I was able to touch him and feel him. That felt real.

**Author's Note:**

> thisis a very LOOSE interpretation of what i think their lives were like after shit happened
> 
> this wasnt good at all i can do better


End file.
